How To Guide from Naruto
by Zaquix
Summary: Where your favorite characters will give you a step-by-step guide to assist you. Drop questions of love, life, and just those what-the-hell-why-would-anyone-need-to-know-how-to-do-this in a review and they will be answered. Full explanation A/N inside.
1. Columnist's Note

**WARNING: IF YOU'VE CLICKED, THEN PLEASE CONTINUE READING THIS LONG AUTHOR'S NOTE, FOR SKIPPING IT WILL RESULT IN LARGE AMOUNTS OF BLOOD LOSS…OR WILL JUST PREVENT YOU FROM UNDERSTANDING ANYTHING THAT COMES AFTER. SERIOUSLY, THOUGH, TO UNDERSTAND AT ALL, PLEASE READ THE A/N!**

**THANK YOU for taking the time to read this!**

From the Underpaid, Underprivileged, Under-appreciated Columnist:

Hey there, readers! By popular request, we've finally added a 'How To' and/or advice column to the Konoha Weekly. In fact, I am supposed to be in charge of this section of the newspaper, but because of a tragic mistake, I am now to be preoccupied once a week taking skydiving lessons, instead of the nice, safe, on-the-ground yoga lessons I was supposed to have. Damn distracting cute guys. So now I am forced to allow Naruto and his friends proofread the column before it gets put through. And when I say forced, I mean forced. *sweatdrops*.

_Conversation between Naruto, Sasuke, and me:_

"_Please let us take over the column!"_

"_No."_

"_We'll do a great job! Believe it!"_

"_No."_

"_If you don't let the dobe have his way, and I need to listen to his incessant moaning for the next five minutes, I'm going to kill you."_

"_Okay, fine. But only if Naruto promises never to say that catchphrase ever again."_

"_I won't! Believe it!"_

_*Sounds of me smashing my head against the wall*_

_End Conversation_

Well, as you can see, this column is now open to new readers. Send in your 'how to' questions or problems via reviews. If you actually want real advice, put RL at the end of your review. Otherwise, it will be treated as a point of amusement. And put which character you're directing it to, if any. There are no rules to what you may ask help for, as you may realize by reading our first column on the next page. Up to five questions may be submitted by one person for each chapter because if I have Naruto and the others working on this any longer, I may be pulled for employee abuse.

_Conversation between Sasuke and me:_

"_There is also going to be a rule stating, "No fangirls allowed."_

"_Clearly, that is not going to happen, Sasuke, because if it did, Karin would already be dead."_

"_Damn."_

"_I'm sorry."_

"_Fine. Bring. It. On."_

_End Conversation_

In another note, I claim to own none of the characters because clearly they are controlling me. God knows how Masashi keeps them in line all the time. Quite frankly, they can't do what they're told, which is why I'm expecting my column to be a mess and to be looking for a new job in the next week or so. Unfortunately, since my credentials aren't that great, due to the fact that I only have experience manipulating anime characters to my will, I'm expecting no job hereafter. According to my editor, the only way I will be allowed to keep my job is if I get positive reviews from the critics, so I'm hoping you readers won't throw me to the sharks. No, I didn't mean you Kisame, sit down. So please review with a full stomach and at least eight hours of sleep in advance. I find it really helps. A lot.

Lastly, I would like to say that Konoha Weekly is not held liable for side effects, including: lack of oxygen from laughing, people staring at you as if you are crazy for laughing while sitting in front of the computer, lack of sleep for staying up too late just to read my useless comments, stomach cramps from laughing too hard, bruises from falling of your chair in hysteria, and possibly death. Warning: These may be real threats to your health. Actually I'm not so sure about the last one, but I thought it might be the best to include it in case one of the Naruto characters decides to try and kill you after you make a derogatory comment against them in your review. Warning: Anime characters have feelings too…except for those two-dimensional ones that have no purpose in the story except to get in the way of the main plotline. And Mary Sues, who apparently are so perfect that nobody can hate them, which just makes everyone hate them.

Finally, I would like to say that none of these events are based on real life experiences and that feeling déjà vu may be the product of either a) you sent in a real life problem, b) I really am stalking you at this moment in time or c) you clearly stole Naruto's spoiled milk.

Additionally, nothing in my column is meant to be offensive to any one, but if it is blame Hinata. She may look sweet and innocent, but I have an inside source telling me that she is isn't at all and often changes my bland comments to inappropriate ones. And if at any point, you are, indeed, finding yourself to be offended by something: Run, do not walk, to the exit. Warning: May be harder than you think for there is in fact no exit in existence at the moment. The builders are still working on it, so watch out for falling rubble, bricks, and cute-as-hell kittens. Keep in mind, that I may be a compulsive liar and am not, in fact, taking skydiving lessons. Unless you're jealous. Then I most certainly am.

As a side note, to keep up morale in the newsroom, I would like all of you to pick who gave the best advice on the specified page. That way, we can name that page after that character! (Okay, seriously, I didn't have any other prize to give. This is like that whoo-you-won-but-it's-not-really-that-important consolation prize.) So make sure to drop the name of whoever gave funniest, bestest, made-you-worship-this-newsletter (jk) 'how to' advice in your review. Much appreciated.

I would also like to give my thanks to the original author of the 'Ask insert Naruto character name' columns for inspiring this column. The format of this column is based upon those series, and I am most certainly not stealing their idea. If I was, in fact, stealing the idea then I would like to point out that the whole thing was my editor's idea. And if anyone is thinking of suing me, well, I would like to point out the newspaper, Konoha Weekly, as much more money than me. I own less money than a hobo on the street.

Sincerely,

The Columnist of this Poorly Written Column

Questions? Comments? Concerns?

Call 867-5309 to speak to the idiot that paid more money than I have or will ever have for the right to have this number. If you do not know what number that is, go look it up.

Call 1-800-YOU-FAIL to get the dial tone to my phone for I currently am still trying to locate my nonexistent phone.

…just drop me a review or PM with your questions/comments/concerns


	2. First Page

Page 1

**How to "Stop sleeping in Class"** _by Shikamaru Nara_

Step 1: You don't.

_Conversation between Shikamaru and me:_

"_You can't just hand out absolutely useless advice like that."_

"_Yes, I can."_

"_No, you can't. Now, rewrite it."_

_End Conversation_

**How to "Stop sleeping in Class" **_by Shikamaru Nara_

Step 1: Skip class.

_*sigh*_

**How to "Catch a Fish" **_by Kisame_

Step 1: Put bait on the hook, preferably gummy worms because they are so much more appetizing than real worms. Trust me, I know these things.

Step 2: Cast your line. Don't ask me how the hell you cast your line. Just do it, but if you are really, really picky about your instructions then go look up how to do the damn thing yourself instead of writing to a "how to" column where you will just get help a week later than you need it. Otherwise, continue reading.

Step 3: Wait for about an hour, which will actually feel like five hours because as we all know patience is a virtue that practically nobody has.

Step 4: When there is a bite, reel the fish in, and voila, you have catch your very own fish!

Step 5: Throw the damn fish back in the water before I find out who you are and hunt you down for killing my distant family.

**How to "Stop siblings from Annoying the Hell Outta You" **_by Itachi Uchiha_

Step 1: Find a stick and beat them with it. (If still annoying continue on to step 2)

Step 2: Find a knife and stab them with it. (If still annoying continue on to step 3)

Step 3: Find a gun and shoot them with it. (If still annoying continue on to step 4)

Step 4: Hire a secret assassin that will murder any potential threats to your mental health, something I should have done in the first place. Note: (Move step up to step 1) May cover up evidence that can later be used against you in court or to ban you from the village, forcing you to meet a snake-like pedophile that will mentally scar you for the rest of your life.

**How to "Breathe" **_by Naruto Uzamaki_

Step 1: Open your mouth.

Step 2: Take in a huge breath.

Step 3: Make sure there is not an emo-looking best friend/enemy that is trying to strangle you because you revealed to the entire village the name of his teddy bear.

Step 4: Release breath.

**How to "Avoid your Fangirls"** _by Sasuke Uchiha_

Step 1: Make an obscure screen name that no one will ever find out because you have only told the most trustworthy people you know. For example, mine is ItachiIsDead.

Step 2: Change your name and move to an obscure town that nobody knows the name of. For example, I am going to be moving to Chicago, Illinois.

Step 3: Wear a disguise whenever you go outside so no one can recognize you. For example, I usually wear a bowler hat pulled down low over my face and a gray trench coat. And before you ask, I am _not_ looking for a lost puppy, do _not_ have a van, _or_ have any candy.

Step 4: Get a restraining order on all of them. Note: I find this approach to be very ineffective because it's such a hassle to find out all of their names. In addition, it's not much use when fangirls are chasing after you because if they took that much effort to find you the mob is certainly not going to stop when you hold up a flimsy piece of paper and yell "Stop! In the name of love!" I mean "Stop! It's against the law to get within one hundred yards of me!" They _will_ rip the aforementioned flimsy piece of paper to shreds and then oops, you're screwed.

_Conversation between Naruto and Sasuke:_

"_Teme, you just told them all your information. Your screen name, city, and type of disguise you use. You do know that right?"_

"_So what? It's not like anyone reads the newspaper."_

_*mob of fangirls appear right outside the door*_

"_Oh, shit."_

_End Conversation_

**How to "Sleep Peacefully" **_by Gaara_

Step 1: How. The. Hell. Should. I. Know.

Step 2: Idiot. I. Still. Don't. Know.

Step 3: Why. Are. You. Still. Reading.

Step 4: That's. It.

Step 5: I'm. Leaving.

**How to "Take a Photograph" **_by Kiba Inuzaka_

Step 1: Turn on camera.

Step 2: Face toward object of desire. No, we are not having sex.

Step 3: Click big button. Note: Not the big red button. We all know that the big red button is a no-no, leading to massive destruction. Then again, if you are me, CLICK IT.

Step 4: Swear when you realize you didn't take the damn cap off.

**How to "Traumatize Someone for Life" **_by Sasuke Uchiha_

Step 1: Take them to a fortune teller, and have her predict their detailed death only five days later.

Step 2: Don't let them have ketchup with their fries.

Step 3: Steal their baby photos and show them to absolutely everyone you know.

Step 4: Kill their whole entire family under the cover of darkness, leaving them to become emo and depressed about life.

Step 5: Stick them with Naruto for five hours.

Step 4: Make them listen to Hannah Montana…and let them realize that a 47-year-old father wrote the songs.


End file.
